Food continues to be scarce in the Death Zone. The Rani, a veteran of hostile environments (mostly of her own devising), suggests that the Thal tribe send out hunting parties of three or four to hunt the Gallifreyan grunge-hare, a delicacy amongst the planet's Shobogan people. "It tastes better than it sounds," she assures her tribemates unconvincingly.
The Rani, Leela and Mel leave camp and trek down the hillside in search of the grunge-hare. Leela and Mel complain bitterly about Davros' behaviour to date. "He's mean and he's ugly and he's... old!" whines Mel. "I mean, he must be, like, over forty!"
"I am nine hundred and ninety-eight," observes the Rani, casting about for a nice, large stick.
Over at the Kaled camp, things are brighter after the departure of Azaxyr at the previous night's Tribal Council. "It's funny how much happier people are when they don't have the threat of imminent disembowelment hanging over them," notes Bernice.
She, Ben and Peri hike deeper into the emaciated woods in search of Patrexan silverroot Susan (who would have accompanied them, had she not twisted her ankle during a particularly vivid nightmare) suggested they might be able to find.
Instead, they come across a large mud volcano spitting greyish goo out onto the ground. Ben and Peri quickly dive in. Bernice starts to join them, but soon discovers that she's the proverbial third wheel.
"Horny bastards," Bernice mutters as she heads back through the woods.
"What?"
"I said, I'll go get the others!" comes the reply. Soon, the entire Kaled tribe is enjoying the mud volcano -- everyone except Soldeed, who starts fashioning it into an image of his Lord Nimon, and Ben and Peri, who seem vaguely resentful about the added company.
Meanwhile, back with the Thal tribe, Tlotoxl holds an evening sermon on the topic of "Large fat children named 'Adric': Ten ways to prepare them in under five minutes". His audience of seventeen igneous rocks and four metamorphic ones seems duly unimpressed.
Out of earshot (probably), Mel ridicules the Aztec high priest. "I think he's got the hots for Leela," she tells anyone willing to listen, "and she's married. The dope. Of course, he probably just likes her because got such big, you know, knives."
The highlight of this day in the Death Zone comes around lunchtime, when a hologram of the incomparable Jeff Probst suddenly appears to the two tribes. The Monk is particularly glad to see Jeff, running up to him and whispering, "Hey, do you do epics?"
"Today we're going to have a Reward Challenge," Jeff announces. "You're all so bad at catching food that we figured we'd try to save at least half of you from starvation. This challenge is called 'Into The Vortex'. There are little time eddies all over the Death Zone. Normally, the High Council keeps these sealed up, but just for kicks, we've decided to open a couple up so you guys can have some fun.
"We've put treasure chests made of chronal energy out in the Vortex near each eddy. What you have to do is make a human (to use the term loosely) chain and retrieve the treasure chest with five minutes."
"What happens after five minutes?" asks Adric.
"Oh, well, that's just about the length of time the average humanoid can withstand the scalding effects of the time winds," explains Jeff. "After that, chances are your skin will flake away and you'll end up a burned husk. We figured that'd be some pretty good incentive."
"Oh dear," mutters Glitz. "I never was very good at mucking about in the space/time vortex. I like my dimensions numbered exactly three."
The two tribes head toward the time eddies, which are located very close to one another. As they get closer, they notice several strange creatures in the distance -- half-devolved Voord, a young Ogron with an old Ogron's head, a Dalek running on Windows 95. The hologrammatic Jeff assures everybody that this has absolutely nothing to do with leakage of chronal radiation from the time eddies, and that they're all absolutely safe. Well, except for that five minute thing.
Soon, the competition starts. Davros is chosen to anchor the chain for the Thal tribe, while Glitz reluctantly does the same for the Kaled group. He soon starts to complain that his arms are getting tired, until it's pointed out to him that he's not actually holding onto anyone yet.
The competition is neck-and-neck until the last two to climb across the human chain, into the time eddy, and retrieve the chronal treasure chest. These are the Monk, who eagerly hikes up the hem of his robe and starts to clamber over his tribesmates, and Liz, who briefly forgets what she's doing there and starts poking at the fading black spots which still cover her arms and legs.
By the time Liz remembers that she's not in South London and Jeff is not her "Mommy", the Monk has exited the time eddy with the treasure chest, winning the Reward Challenge for the Thal tribe. Much applause ensues, followed by some discussion as to whether Adric should be pushed back into the time eddy to test that five-minute theory.
Meanwhile, outside the time vortex, the chronal treasure chest dissolves to reveal a hunting spear and a net. The Monk rushes over to the spear, rubbing the shaft up and down and promising everyone that he's an expert with this sort of thing. Oddly, no one is prepared to argue with him.
Shortly after the Thal tribe returns to their camp, the Monk heads out down the hill in search of grunge-hares. Adric follows lamely after him with his SuperPole eČ, suggesting that he can also catch game by banging animals over the head with it.
The Thal tribe finally gets some food in their respective gullets other than Capitol Guard rations, as the Monk has managed to catch two grunge-hares and some kind of mutant creature they saved for whoever woke up last.
The Kaled tribe, too, is experimenting with their diet, having finally caved in and fried up a few three-eyed Gallifreyan sloths they caught in a trap rigged up by Soldeed overnight. Everyone is extremely polite about the quality of the food, but Ben kicks the trap into smithereens as soon as Soldeed has his back turned.
Jeff then turns up to announce the latest Immunity Challenge. "This one is called 'Death By Yeti'. What we're going to do is take two of you off into the wilds of the Death Zone and pretend you've been mauled by a Yeti (this might actually happen, of course, but that'd just be a neat coincidence). The rest of you will be given a map and a malfunctioning hover platform that you'll have to carry yourselves. The idea is to follow the map to the Yeti victim -- who will hopefully still be alive at this point -- and then lug them back, on the hover platform, to this spot."
The Thal tribe chooses a reluctant Mel to be their Yeti victim. "Hopefully, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy!" chortles Davros. The Kaled tribe, meanwhile, chooses Liz, mostly because her still-spotty memory has caused her to forget just what a Yeti is, and Glitz has assured her it's actually a very placid breed of dog.
The rest of the WHOvivors then group together at the start line, where they are provided with their heavy, awkward, broken-down hover platforms. At a signal from Jeff, they're off, racing between tall boulders and into a small copse of petrified trees. It's a tight affair, with the two tribes reaching their fortunately still-living comrades at about the same time. But on the race back, the Thal castaways realise that Tlotoxl has been reading their map upside down, losing them precious minutes. The Kaled group reaches the finish line first, gaining immunity.
Back at camp, Mel makes a last minute bid to organise the women against Davros. The Rani, although pledging allegiance to the cause, is in fact less certain. "It's a difficult question as to which is more annoying -- Davros' occasional rants or Mel's non-stop whininess. Frankly, I would like to feed them all to my Tetraps."
That night, amidst a thunderous rainstorm, the Thal tribe makes the trek to the Dark Tower for Tribal Council...
Doctor Who is copyright © 2000 by the British Broadcasting Corporation. Survivor is copyright © 2000 CBS Worldwide, Inc. No infringement is intended upon the rights of the BBC, CBS Worldwide, or or any holders of any copyright referenced herein. This web site is intended solely as a work of parody.
WHOvivor logo courtesy Greg McElhatton.