With just two weeks left to go in the Death Zone, life was getting hectic for the Monk. "They voted Davros out last night," the Monk explained, "so now we're holding auditions for a new member for our Secret Alliance. I mean, sure the whole Alliance thing hasn't really worked out very well so far. We've had a bit of trouble actually agreeing on who to vote out, actually -- those silly people keep refusing to admit that I'm the leader of this group. But still and all, the Rani and Leela and I are pretty confident that, sooner or later, we're going to be deciding all the Tribal Councils here in the Death Zone. Trust me."
"I think a few of us were getting a little worried for a while about the alleged Thal Alliance," admits Peri. "But, you know, as far as voting blocs go, they seem pretty incompetent so I don't think anyone's really worried. I mean, heck, we got rid of Davros, didn't we, and I hear he was one of them!"
The consequence of voting off Davros quickly becomes apparent, however, when it falls to Susan to do the cooking. "Um, I'm having a bit of trouble cooking these three-eyed Gallifreyan sloths," she confesses. "It all seemed so easy when the food machine did it! Now I can't even find the buttons and levers to push."
"I can't believe it," moans the Monk. "I spent half the afternoon chasing down a baby drashig for dinner, and that... girl... undercooked the head and charcoaled the rump! I don't mind my meat rare or well-done, but both at once is awfully ridiculous." So dismayed was the Monk that he didn't take his robe off once all day.
Late in the evening, our host, the infallible Jeff Probst, arrived to make a very special announcement to the castaways: Leela's husband, Andred, had given birth to their first child -- "a boy or something".
"I don't even want to know how that worked," muttered Ben.
The Rani, meanwhile, pulled Liz aside to reveal that she had been chosen as Davros' replacement in the Thal Alliance. "But I don't want to be in your silly Alliance, you rubber tree loving freak!" Liz protested. "God, now I'll probably get voted out. Thanks heaps. Just the way I always wanted to be known, as bloody Davros' bloody replacement."
"There's nothing wrong with rubber trees," retorted the Rani as Liz stalked off.
The Alliance auditions continued on Day Twenty-Six. "Oh, I think we're really close to finding a new fourth," the Monk said confidently. "Everybody's just clamouring to get in but, you know, we've got to be choosy, we can't take just anyone. We need somebody who's intelligent, who's loyal, and who will obey my every command without question. But, personally, I'm flexible on the first two points."
The food situation was becoming increasingly desperate. Ben took over the cooking duties briefly, before being chased away by Bernice when he asked her advice on just how that whole "boiling water" thing worked. "God," she moaned, "do you think maybe they'd let us trade Ben and Susan both to get Davros back? Did I really just say that?"
Mid-afternoon, Jeff materialised to introduce the latest cheesy Reward Challenge. "This one is called 'The Pit(s)' and was designed by one of our very most popular people, Neilpenswickatthebottomoftherankingsel. The idea is that we've got a bunch of rope bridges strung up, oh about fifty feet or so above a bottomless pit. There are a bunch of medallions strung up around the bridges. The first person to collect all their medallions, or the last person left who hasn't fallen into the bottomless pit, gets the reward -- a real slice of Canadian bacon (not that thin tasteless crap the Americans try to pass off) and one randomly-selected letter from home."
"Um, did you say 'bottomless pit'?" Peri asked in a quavering voice.
"Yep, bottomless, I-- oh, wait, sorry, I've just been informed by my superiors that we've actually decided to go with a non-bottomless pit. So you'll be suspended fifty feet over the ground, which I expect will make the landing a bit messier."
"Fifty feet?" shuddered Susan.
"Fifty, a hundred, I don't know, I think in metric... Oh, hang on, my superiors have just informed me that there's supposed to be a big cushion at the bottom. I don't know, if you ask me we're making this too easy for you."
Shortly thereafter, the competition began with eight rather less-than-enthusiastic contestants. Some of the players went about trying to knock everyone over the edge of the rope bridges; some tried to use quickness to collect all their medallions; and some just huddled up in a ball and shivered in terror. In the end, Bernice managed to collect her seventh and final medallion, avoid a charge from "Refrigerator" Ben, and make it back to the finish line for the win.
Some time later, Jeff joined Bernice at the picnic table set up with mounds of Canadian bacon and handed her her randomly-selected letter. "We went through all your mail that's accumulated since the contest started," Jeff explained, "and just drew one out of the pile."
"That's very comforting," Bernice murmured, opening the envelope. She read the enclosed letter quickly and sighed. "Great choice, Jeff. 'Dear Ms Summerfield, Due to your repeated failure to pay our fees, we have been forced to repossess your apartment. Signed, the Landlord Guild.' That's just what I needed right now."
The early morning saw a fierce confrontation between the Rani and Ben. "So I understand I'm next in your farcical reverse-alphabet voting strategy, is that correct?" the Time Lady interrogated.
"Yes ma'am," croaked Ben. "Are you gonna turn me into a tree?"
"It's a possibility. I command that you change your plans. Vote for somebody useless. Like yourself."
"Well, you know, if you win immunity today I'll skip over you and I won't come back!" Ben told her, backing away posthaste.
"Is that a promise?" sighed the Rani.
The Monk, meanwhile, revealed that Bernice had turned down Leela's offer to join the Thal Alliance. "I think she really wanted to, actually," he said, "but I think all that bacon yesterday went to her head. Maybe we'll ask again later."
The cooking situation still hadn't improved. "We tried letting Leela do it, but she just hacked everything up into little tiny pieces," related Liz. "And the Rani wouldn't do it because she said she didn't know how to 'turn on' the fire. Peri said that cooking sloths was 'grody to the max', whatever that means, and the Monk said he'd rather just go back in time and change things so that people don't have to eat. So I guess we're going to starve, there's nobody else left."
"What about you, Liz?" Susan asked all of a sudden.
"Oh," said Liz. "Me actually do something? Gosh, I hadn't thought about that."
"Yes," Susan muttered, "I know it's a bit of a radical concept."
Today's Immunity Challenge turned out to be a weird board game writ large in which the WHOvivors all walked about a twelve-by-twelve representing different areas of the TARDIS. Once a square had been stepped on, it was lifted up so that no one else could stand there. As soon as a competitor became trapped with nowhere else to move to, they were eliminated from the game. It came down to Ben and Bernice as the last two people on the board, but Ben became trapped in the Tertiary Broom Closet, leaving Bernice with immunity.
Meanwhile, the Monk -- who had been first out of the game -- offered a bemused Jeff a place in the Thal Alliance. "Come on," he pleaded, "I'm desperate here!"
That night, the eight remaining WHOvivors make the long trek from the Gallifreya campsite to the Dark Tower for Tribal Council...
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